Primary Thoughts
Neil Mufson, Head of School

It was a crisp New England fall morning. As I was walking down to my classroom in the Henry C. Sanborn School as a fifth grader, a teacher I barely knew called me over. “Neil, Mr. Mirasola told me that you need more challenging math, and I can’t wait until Monday when you join my class.” I remember feeling slightly flustered but then filled with a kind of glow. I told my parents of about it at dinner. My mom said, “You see, it didn’t take much on Mrs. Gritsavage’s part to make you happy. That was so kind of her.”

 “People who perform a random act of kindness tend to underestimate how much the recipient will appreciate it… That miscalculation could hold many of us back from doing nice things for others more often.” Such were the findings in the August edition of the Journal of Experimental Psychology, according to “The Ripple Effect of Random Kindness” recently published in The New York Times. Researchers also found that potential kind deed doers often worry that “a gesture will be misinterpreted, or might make the recipient feel pressured to pay it back.” But Tara Cousineau, a psychologist and author writes, “When the kindness impulse arises, we totally overthink it.” In fact, the article points out “an act of kindness is unlikely to backfire, and in some instances can beget even more kindness.”

So what does this tell us about how we can help our children catch the kindness habit? First, it suggests that we as adults have to model performing small acts of kindness – letting a car go in front of you on a busy street; taking time to really “see” the checkout clerk in the supermarket line; sincerely thanking someone whose efforts and work often largely go unrecognized; emailing photos of the first weeks of school to grandparents. It doesn’t take much but mindful effort.

Simultaneously we can direct our children outward when we comment on some of the kind things we notice in our everyday lives. “That was really kind of that woman to let me take the parking spot both of us were headed for”; “That was so helpful of him to hold the door for us since we were carrying all those heavy packages.”; “It made me feel so good when that woman complimented the flowers I had picked out.” At the dinner table, have everyone take turns saying how they showed particular kindness to someone that day; have the kids make a card for an elderly neighbor; ask them who they might like to take some of the flowers to when you’re working in the garden. By pointing out what otherwise might go unsaid, we reinforce for our children what is important to us. It helps when we consciously counter what another recent study found: that 60% of surveyed teens reported their parents value achievement over kindness.

“No small act goes unnoticed,” says the mother of a 9 year-old daughter who was killed when a tree fell on their car during a storm. Despite those horrific, unthinkable circumstances, that mom set up “Keeping Kindness for Halle,” a great success both in memorializing her daughter and in spreading random acts of kindness. As the article ends, it points out that people do not have to learn new skills to practice kindness: “It’s about: What skills and talents do you already have? And how can you turn that into an offering for other people?”