Last month I tuned in to a webcast specifically aimed at Parents of PK-2nd graders entitled “The Well-Balanced Child” given by Stanford University’s Challenge Success program. The presenters, two child development and psychology researchers at the center, posited that in our desire to raise children who possess a high degree of well-being, belonging, and engagement, we must be “warm demanders” as parents. What does that mean? On the one hand, we must provide warmth, love, and connection; we must praise positive behaviors; we must be responsive and flexible; and we must be certain to encourage discussion and questions. However, at the same time, we must set clear and fair expectations and rules, establish a consistent ecosystem of natural consequences, and encourage autonomy.
We have all read about – or observed – parents who do too much for their children, who over-protect them from the consequences of their actions, or who balk at children’s natural draw to becoming increasingly independent. Whether it be out of a concern for safety, from a desire for things to go smoothly if not perfectly, or from not wanting their children to experience discomfort or disappointment, these parents are, in fact, depriving their children of critical life experiences. When parents are not “warm demanders,” they risk their children not developing the kind of autonomy that leads to self-regulation, that inspires intrinsic motivation and persistence, that increases the development of creativity, and that calms potential anxiety.
What are some parenting strategies we should cultivate? Being warm yet demanding. Being willing to cultivate autonomy. Preserving free play. Limiting media and screen time. Choosing extra-curricular activities carefully. Honoring children’s sleep routines and needs. Seeking outdoor time in nature. and PDF (playtime, downtime, and family time). The recording of the session can be found here until May 4. The website outlines other compelling, research-based parent education programs.