A few years ago, when Primary Day parents and faculty discerned the most important values we wanted to inculcate within our children, determination – our PDS value for April – was high on the list. We all can agree on the many benefits of learning to persevere, stick to it, and push through difficulties. Developing “grit” was then all the rage, and most parents still agree that it is a critical trait that needs to be developed beginning in children’s Primary Day years.

So is it ever okay to quit? In an almost decade old Wall Street Journal article entitled “When to Let Children Quit” by Nina Sovich, the answer is yes, although “most elementary-school age children should be exposed to a range of activities and urged to pursue them.” Of course it is best to get some input from children about what they most enjoy or are most interested in pursuing. For ages 4-6, parents should decide the specific activities to try, and a range is best, understanding that over time, a winnowing will take place. By ages 7-8, children should have more say over which activities to try and continue, but parents should still be the decision makers. “Experts agree that it is important that children make decisions for themselves, starting in the tween years.”

Sovich spells out some ground rules around quitting: “Quitting an activity or pursuit halfway through a season or semester isn’t a good idea. Parents are wise to draw red lines around family traditions such as Hebrew school or church, family vacations, and chores.” Also, since it often takes children as long as “6 months to warm to a new endeavor,” a parent quoted in the article says, “Quitting does happen, but it is carefully controlled. The process of stopping an activity takes a year and involves a negotiated winding down… They have to learn enough to quit.” Another parent responded to her daughter’s desire to stop ballet by finding a “studio that would be less demanding.” A therapist points out that “the job of the parent is… to help the child work out a system for making decisions. ‘Make a list, pray, decide in the shower. What is your system? That is what they need to figure out.’ It is also best for parents to set aside their own assumptions about what their child will be good at.”

Sovich maintains that “there are serious benefits to letting things go, and they are best learned in childhood. Quitting allows focus and passions to arise. Children can practice making decisions at an age when the stakes are low, preparing for adulthood. It also can reduce tension in a household… making way for precious downtime” or some other important activity that is getting short shrift.

Ultimately the cited therapist points out, “It is important for parents to remember that there is something to learn in every situation. ‘If a child tends toward perfectionism, quitting might help them learn to develop flexibility.’ By the same token a child who gives up easily can learn by pushing through. Sovich concludes, “The hope is that if a parent identifies early on an area of true enjoyment, his child is less likely to quit sophomore year of high school.”